It wasn’t my fault, Merritt repeated in his mind as he endured another dark look from one of Henley’s family members. They were all dressed in black, standing in the middle of a field. Her casket was open and waiting for Merritt to go look at her dead body. Of course, he tried putting it off, because he knew that when he finally did go up he would have to look at her with her bright red hair and lips that had been painted the same color as the night they had screamed his name underwater as she died.
*
After a month of being in the Eye, Henley lost interest and went back to performing. “There’s nothing quite like a screaming crowd,” she had told Merritt after he raised a questioning eyebrow. He just shrugged and thought what could be the harm.
Merritt went to every show and stood in the back of the crowd. She would laugh at him and tell him that she didn’t need his help manipulating a crowd and he’d just smile at her and say he just liked the view. It was another six months of shows in New York before she started her tour. To everyone’s surprise, including his own, Merritt went with her and continued to stand in the crowd.
A year later in Dallas, Merritt was still standing in the crowd when Henley was dropped into a tank of water with her chains. He smiled when the crowd screamed as time ran out, but when he looked back up at Henley the smile dropped from his face. She was staring right at him, banging on the glass and screaming for his help.
Merritt ran through the crowd, pushing people aside. He tried to pull all the emergency rigs but none of them did any good. He tried to yell at the assistants but they didn’t understand who he was and that he was serious until it was too late.
Her parents said they didn’t blame him, he said he hadn't wanted to meet them like that. Daniel said he did blame him and Merritt said so did he.
*
After the funeral, Jack and Merritt went back to the apartment they were sharing with the rest of the Four Horsemen, or what was left of them. Neither of them knew where Daniel went, and Merritt didn’t really care as he started drinking every ounce of alcohol they owned.
Around midnight Daniel came back drunk and with a gun. He pointed it at Merritt, even as his hands shook. Merritt looked at him calmly and held his stare.
“You killed her,” Daniel said through clenched teeth. “You should have saved her!” Daniel’s voice stared to rise and Merritt heard Jack’s door open upstairs. “You loved her and you let her die!” he yelled.
Jack cursed when he turned the corner on the stairs and saw Daniel. “Guys, clam down,” he tried as he slowly walked down the rest of the stairs.
Neither of the other two men seemed to notice him, though.
“You deserve this,” Dan said, moving the gun to draw attention to it again. “You deserve to die for this!” Dan yelled. The gun was shaking in his hand just the rest of his body.
“Dan, put down the gun,” Jack tried. His voice was still calm even though his face was nervous, and he kept looking back and forth between Merritt and Daniel as he slowly approached the latter.
“You don’t hear me disagreeing,” Merritt said evenly.
“Merritt, shut up,” Jack advised shortly. Slowly, he stretched his hand forward and clicked the gun’s safety on as he wrapped his hand around it. “Dan, look at me,” Jack said firmly, his eyes fixed on the other man. Daniel slowly turned to him. He was sad and scared and tears were forming in his eyes. Jack unloaded the gun without looking, placing the clip and gun on the coffee table next to him, without ever breaking eye contact with Daniel. “Let’s get you to bed,” Jack said as he gently grabbed Daniel’s shoulder and guided him upstairs.
When Merritt heard both doors shut upstairs he grabbed the gun and clip from the table. It was a lot heavier than he thought it would be. He slammed the clip into place and loaded the gun. The metal was cold against his temple. He swallowed against his dry throat, took a deep breath, and pulled the trigger.